i can’t say that anyone has ever fully taken the time to figure out how i work. maybe they didn’t know how, or maybe they just weren’t paying attention. i’m not used to someone working through my habits and moods to be able to predict/anticipate my next move, and act accordingly, providing just what i need before i can even acknowledge what that is.
last night for example. i had a long day, and was feeling especially vulnerable/ emotional by the end of it. as a result, i started into an anxious, unproductive headspin — worrying about laundry/clean towels, putting all kinds of nervous energy into something useless. instead of pointing out how crazy i was sounding, she calmly walked into the bathroom, and started the shower, making the water extra hot just the way i like it. she came out of the bathroom, stroked my hair, gave me a hug and pointed me in the direction of the bathroom, closing the door behind me. she understood that it wasn’t about towels, or sheets, or laundry, or any of those things. i took a long shower, and when i emerged, she was sitting patiently on my couch waiting for me. ”feeling better?” she said. and i was. it was exactly what i needed and i never had to say a word, explain myself, ask for something, or make excuses. she just got it.
this morning. her alarm went off at 5:45am. since i’ve been jetlagged, i woke up exhausted, but not quite able to go back to sleep after the interruption. i was expecting to be awake for the rest of the morning, but surprisingly i found myself waking up at 7:20am. “oh! I don’t know how i was able to fall asleep again!”, i noted groggily. she responded with a smile, “i’m pretty sure i figured out how to put you to sleep”. she then continued to explain how i usually fall asleep if i lay a certain way, if she holds me a certain way, if she touches me a certain way, if she talks to me in a certain voice, etc. how had i let her put me to sleep this way countless times without realizing it? again, she shocked me with the degree of attention she’s paid to my habits, my body signals, my breathing, and my slight movements and reactions to her touch.
i hope she knows i see it. she’s paying attention. remembering small details of conversations to bring up later. “oh, did you know your favorite band is playing in town on such and such a day?” taking note of my preferences by observing my behavior. listening carefully and truly trying to understand my meaning when i speak about my feelings. “you said this, and i wonder if you were trying to tell me this…” things i haven’t been able to say out loud. things i don’t even remember telling her.
without trying to be overblown or dramatic, i’m continually amazed. more and more so as time goes on. she makes me want to step it up. i got used to being a caretaker in my past relationships, but never like this. i think i used the shortcomings of those relationships as an excuse to only open myself up part way. anyways, i hope i can be a fraction of the comfort she has been to me in the past 2 months. (has it only been 2 months?)
though i feel extremely lucky and happy to have found someone willing to do these things for me (finally), i’m also struggling with how to let myself accept this attention and care. i wonder how she can look at me with my sometimes strange habits, nervous tics, emotional guards, past relationship insecurities, and often bizarre wardrobe choices and still want to try so hard?
anyways… for now, i’m really trying to relax, trust a little, and enjoy :) wish me luck.
